Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I think this dude maybe didn't think this out entirely

SARASOTA, Fla., Feb. 15 (UPI) -- Authorities in Florida said a homeless man sent to jail Friday was found to be concealing 30 items in a condom hidden in his rectum.

The Sarasota County Sheriff's Office said Neil Lansing, 33, had been jailed following a Friday court appearance on undisclosed charges when corrections deputies performing a routine cell block search noticed a piece of condom sticking out of Lansing's rectum, the Sarasota Herald-Tribune reported Tuesday.

Officials said they removed the condom and it was found to contain 17 blue pills, a cigarette, six matches, one flint, an empty syringe with an eraser covering the needle, a lip balm container, an unused condom, a pharmacy receipt and a coupon.

The sheriff's office said Lansing, who is being held without bond, is facing charges of possessing a drug and a tobacco product in jail.

This is the only thing I was wondering after I finished reading this article: why the fuck did he bother to stick the receipt up there too? I can't imagine that he was intending to return anything that he'd put up his butt, but I guess financially that's a smart decision. He may be that most forward-thinking person to over shove multiple items up his butt. But really dude, a single cigarette? why not just go for the whole pack? Not only that, but do you really want to put something that's been chillin' in your asshole for God knows how long in your mouth? I know it's your own personal butt juices and all but still, not hygienic in any sense. Also not sure why he decided to stick the condom up there, because if he was planning to bone some dude in jail i'm pretty sure gay sex is a good way to not get anyone pregnant. But on the other side, why did he bother to stick that up there anyway? It's not like condoms are illegal. Moral of the story is this guy is a total conundrum to me...really thinking on his feet with some of the things he shoved up his bumhole and then just totally missing the mark on others.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Police just violating or freedoms all over the fucking place

A man who filmed the speedometer of his car while driving more than 140 miles per hour so he could post it on YouTube, ended up in jail on Saturday and the video confiscated, police said.

Stanislav Vadimovich Bakanov was pulled over by police on Oregon Interstate 5 after he was clocked driving his black 2005 BMW at 118 mph. He filmed Sheriff's Deputy Ryan Postlewait as he approached the car.

When Postlewait asked why he was videotaping, Bakanov said he was filming his speedometer, and his arrest, to post on Youtube. The video later revealed that Bakanov had attained speeds in excess of 140 mph.

He was arrested and confined in Marion County jail Saturday night, charged with reckless driving and speeding. It was his third speeding incident in the past year. The video was confiscated and will be used as evidence against him.

Not cool, piggy. Not cool at all. I get this guy didn't really get to the part yet where he actually POSTED his speedy ride on YouTube and you didn't arrest him just for seeing the video, but the right idea was there so I call bullshit on YOU. Can't a man just post a cool video to the internet without the Po being all up in his business? I mean, how fucking awesome would it be to see ANOTHER video of people driving really super fast and yelling "140 miles per hour, holy shit!!" on the video. There's never enough dumb shit on the internet, and yes, I watch all of it. It's my right to do whatever the hell I want and post it on the internet. That's my right as an American. Nothing is illegal anymore if you plan to film it and then let other people get enjoyment out of it. That's just being a good samaritan and paying it forward. Haley Joel Osment agrees with me.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Marlon Brando knows how to work a lady

Dear Lady —

There is something not quite definable in your face — something lovely, not pretty in a conventionally thought of way. You have something graceful and tender and feminine (sp). You seem to be a woman who has been loved in her childhood, or else, somehow by the mystery of genetic phenomena you have been visited by the gifts of refinement, dignity and poise. Perhaps you cannot be accredited with all that.

Irrespective of your gothic aspects, you have passed something on in terms of your expression, mien and general comportment that is unusual and rewarding.

It's been a pleasant if brief encounter and I wish you well and I hope we shall have occasion to cross eyes again sometime.

Best wishes

Marlon Brando


What I wouldn't give to have Marlon Brando whisper sweet nothings into my ear all night. Calling me "not pretty in a conventional way" and "not accrediting me" with how pretty he thinks I am. I haven't seen the word "irrespective" since...well...never, and if somebody calls you Gothic and you're not trying to be, isn't that kind of insulting? Anyway, I guess this is how it goes when you're super famous and women are desperately trying to fuck you left and right to the point where your social etiquette skills are just completely out the window. You end up like the Edgar Allen Poe of romance over here spouting nonsense and calling people kinda pretty, but not really. I guess it's better than being called fat.

epic broadcasting fail

Rule #4 of broadcasting: never speak your own weirdo language on camera. Darison? Burtation? Close to actual words, Serene, but no cigar. The funniest part of this is that they're actually trying to claim that this lady had a stroke on camera. I have news for them, however: sometimes you just want to speak some gibberish. Truly, this is a broadcaster's nightmare and as a budding journalist over here, I sincerely pray that NOTHING this randomly awful happens to me.

The greatest part is when she realizes she's speaking Esperanto and takes on a look of disgust, although she knows she's in Esperanto-mode now and there's no turning back. It's like when you speak two languages and you don't know you're speaking in one language and you can't switch back to the other and you're stuck forever in one and OH MY GOD AM I GOING TO BE LIKE THIS FOREVER?!?!?

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I've officially found the worst show on the planet

Congratulations, MTV. You have developed the absolute most heinous show I've ever sat through. I can watch some serious shitty television...but I can't even sit through this garbage. The show follows some handful of teenagers around while they blow anything they can shoot up their nose, fuck each other's bony bodies, and then talk about how much they are/aren't getting laid. The main heartthrob of this series is some little boy who looks like he walked out of an Abercrombie Kids catalogue and into this show. The acting is so god damn awful that the expressionless dialogue isn't even remotely believable. Everyone is so abhorring and unlikable that I was punching myself in the face by the end of the episode.

And you know what? I really wanted to fucking like this show. I love to watch terrible televison....I don't know why, I just do. So this looked like some Grade A trash-tv and it was so bad that I wouldn't even disgrace trash tv by putting this show in the same stratosphere. If MTV were any sort of smart they would bury this show under old footage of "Singled Out" and "Dismissed" and never, ever let it rear its ugly head toward society. It's gonna put an eye out.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Sucks for you all going to Mexico for Spring Break

Armed men opened fire and hurled a grenade into a crowded nightclub early Saturday, killing six people and wounding at least 37 in a western city whose former tranquility has been shattered by escalating battles among drug cartels.

The attack in Mexico's second-largest municipality took place just hours after a shootout between soldiers and presumed cartel gunmen left eight people, including an innocent driver, dead in the northeastern city of Monterrey. Monterrey is Mexico's third-largest city.

In the Guadalajara attack, assailants in a Jeep Cherokee and a taxi drove up to the Butter Club, located in a bar and restaurant district popular with young people, and sprayed it with bullets.

Well, I'm damn glad I'm going to the Bahamas this March and not Mexico, that's for sure. This isn't even crazy drug-war shit going down in the total ghettos of this country anymore...a friggin NIGHTCLUB had a GRENADE hurled into it. Oh, don't forget that it also was "sprayed with bullets." Yeah, that's definitely a place I want to be drunk off my ass, stumbling around wondering what in the hell is going on. Nothing screams "Spring Break!!!" like open gunfire.

Will I ever recover from this?

So, i'm obviously late in the game on this one, but I just was directed to watch "2 Guys 1 Horse" a.k.a Mr. Hands gettin' on with his bad self and letting a horse put its foot and a half long winkie in his bum-bum hole. Let me say this to the lucky few who have yet to see/hear of this video: For the love of everything that is pure in the world, do NOT watch this video. I was okay with watching this man's bare ass sticking out in the air. I was okay with watching the other man grab the horse's wiener and direct it toward this man's butt-hole. I was even okay with the fact that I completely realized this man was letting a horse bone him (Well, I wasn't okay with any of this, but I knew what I was getting myself into so it didn't completely disturb me on the level it could have). What I DEFINITELY WAS NOT OKAY WITH was the horrible, gruesome site of that horse's wang when it emerged from that man's derriere. Holy Jesus, I swear to God I will never be the same. There really are some things you can't unsee, and that website is doing the world a favor by limiting the viewing on one computer to once every hour (...yes, i attempted to play it more than once on my computer to show it to a friend so somebody could suffer with me).

Basically, it begs the question: What in the holy hell is wrong with this dude? Did he not see this horse's dick and think to himself, "wow, that is one massive cock. I'm pretty sure my anal canal is not nearly going to accommodate that thing, so maybe i should just let the tip in and call it a day. Then, when it's all said and done, instead of realizing that his ass-naked friend was just mortally wounded, the man filming the whole spectacle simply goes, "Oh. He came." Stop concentrating on whether or not the horse is sexually satisfied and take your friend to a fucking hospital, pronto. Needless to say, the dude died because his pancreas got punctured by the horse's shlong. Darwin Awards, I hope you're listening.

JWoww gives me a girl boner

I don't care if she peed behind a bar then watered it down. I don't care that she's fucking the equivelant of an overly-groomed motorcycle gang reject that probably smells like ballsac doused in Axe. I don't even care that she walks like she has a footlong dick. When I saw JWoww wearing her leather Dominatrix shit and lookin all like a crazy cop gone totally psycho, and THEN whispering "Can you handcuff me?" as she led Roger up the stairs, I fell in love. This season has been nothing but watching Ronnie and Sammi engage in their completely dysfunctional, sorry excuse for a relationship, but this gem came out of nowhere and I'm so, so glad it did. The girl's fake boobies looked magical and Snooki and I were both looking at her in total jealousy. Sammi's attractive, but DAYUMMM, JWoww is just balls to the wall hot. I'd suffer through a day watching my guy friends play Call of Duty to have that bod for 3 hours.

If this isn't the American Dream, I don't know what is

And this is why I love this country. Because if you really, really want to, you can roll around all over the place, high on PCP, confused as fuck, and all people will do is film you and shake their heads. I'll be completely honest, too...this guy knows how to move. Kickin' his legs, slappin' his belly like a bongo drum, just loving the fact that he's got an extra 300 pounds to play with while he's tripping face. I mean if there was ever the perfect time to be fat, this is it. And to Coup de Gras, we get to see about 3/4 of his jiggly chocolate behind, which in PCP land is like 2 steps away from straight up boning. Fuck traffic, fuck pedestrians, fuck the guy filming this entire baffling scene, he's gonna shake it like a polaroid picture and we're gonna recognize that this is why America is the greatest country in the world.

Well this is embarrassing.

Does the sun revolve around the earth? One in every three Russians thinks so, a spokeswoman for state pollster VsTIOM said Friday.

In a survey released this week, 32 percent of Russians believed Earth was the center of the solar system; 55 percent said that all radioactivity is human-made; and 29 percent said that the first humans lived when dinosaurs still roamed the Earth.

The study found that women were more likely than men to believe the scientific fallacies.

"It's really quite amazing," spokeswoman Olga Kamenchuk said of the survey, which polled 1,600 people across Russia's regions in January, with a 3.4 percent margin of error.

"All of them (the questions) were absolutely obvious. ... The data speaks of the low levels of education in the country."

However, people tend to forget what they have been taught at school if it is not part of daily use, she added: "I wonder whether our colleagues in other countries would find any different."

Some of the questions are similar to those that were asked of Americans:

  • Seventy-two percent of Americans agree with the scientific view that Earth goes around the sun, based on a 2008 poll cited in the National Science Foundation's Science and Engineering Indicators 2010.
  • Sixty-three percent of Americans surveyed correctly answered that not all radioactivity is human-made, in a quiz conducted as part of a 2009 Pew Research Center study.
  • And 59 percent of the respondents in a 2009 Harris poll agreed with the scientific view that the earliest humans and dinosaurs did not live at the same time.

I'm not so much embarrassed for the Russians...I'm embarrassed because of the fun facts at the end. 72 percent of Americans agree with the Scientific view that the earth goes around the sun? Are you fucking kidding me? Last time I checked, this was a pretty solid fact and most people should be getting on board. It actually baffles my mind that people are just wandering around this country like petulant three-year-olds, refusing to accept that their views might be wrong. and less than 60 percent agree that the earliest humans and dinosaurs didn't live at the same time? Do these people think "The Flintstones" is a historical narrative of the trials and tribulations of life on Pangea? I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to believe that humans and dinosaurs lived at the same time too because that would be fucking sweet, but I'm accepting reality at this point...nobody ever had a pterodactyl as a housepet. Get with it, retards.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Listen, Donald. It's not that we don't like you or anything..

"Washington (CNN) -- Just picture the Donald Trump for President bumper sticker: "Barack Obama, You're Fired."

The Conservative Political Action Conference now going on in Washington might as well be a new reality television smash hit: "American Presidential Idol."

Only this time, the man who has served as the leading judge on various versions of "The Apprentice" for 11 seasons on NBC finds himself playing the role of contestant.

Just before Trump's speech to the rowdy CPAC crowd Thursday, a woman yelled: "You're hired." The fact that "The Donald" is being talked about as a serious contender for the White House means the Republican field for 2012 is wide open.

Yup, Donald Trump. We definitely want a gazillionaire like you to have even more undeserved power and be president of the country. I'm sure you won't completely satisfy you're own business needs first and I'm sure you completely understand foreign and military affairs. I don't trust anyone who can't get their fucking hairdo to stay on their head to be the most famous person in America. I also don't trust his funny accent.

I'm not a gold digger or anything (I'm a fucking journalism major, for crying out loud. Money's not exactly my top priority in life) but there's a good amount of people I'd fuck just because they're so damn rich. George Bush, check. Yao Ming, check. Justin Bieber, check. Donald Trump? Fucking no way in hell. And that's pretty much how I pick my presidents, so he definitely can't take over the White House. You're not bangable, you're not getting my vote. Sorry I'm not sorry.

Every dog I own is like the one on the bottom right

I'm may be the only person on the fence about dogs, and this is why. Every time I've ever owned a dog, I get the one that turns out to be completely untrainable, shits and pisses in the house, and never learns its own name. I spent the first three years of my dog's life trying to teach it to roll over. It NEVER learned how to do it. Whenever I get a treat out, my dog loses it's mind and reverts to the only method it knows to get that treat out of my hand: perform all the tricks she knows in the rapid-fire succession, concluding with a grand finale of laying on the ground, exhausted and out of breath. We now refer to that last one as "playing dead" and it's officially a trick. Basically, I need an animal that will just sit still for three hours while I lose all sense of reality on

Cat's I can get on board with. But that's a post for another day.

Aaron Carter, stop. Just stop.

After a month in rehab for what his manager calls "some emotional and spiritual issues he was dealing with,"
Aaron Carter is back to work. According to E! Online, the 23-year-old singer and Dancing with the Stars alum has checked out of the Betty Ford Center in Southern California and is back in his native Florida working on a new album.

Aaron, please, we're begging you. Stop making us listen to your garbage and enough with the comebacks. You will spend your life in the shadow of your older brother, and that guy's a total loser, too. Not only are you the most skeletal, gaunt looking fleshy excuse for a person I've ever seen, but you're so good at being a drug addict you should just go ahead and stick to that. "The Carters" was just a show about how much a trainwreck your family is, and that was some great television. America's loves you as a total shitshow, Aaron, so give the masses what they want. Take a hit of your crack pipe, then get out there and be somebody!

Supernanny solidifies my notions that i never, ever want children

Maybe these people are horrible parents who should have never squeezed out spawn, but watching this show makes my hair curl for two reasons.

1. These kids are devil children sent from the underworld to destroy families. I bet these people were really fucking happy before these kids came into their lives, and now their existences have been reduced to getting slapped by teeny tiny little hands, getting velcro shoes thrown in their faces, and prying these children out of bed so they can go to school and get the fuck out of their hair for 6 hours. I would cherish every moment I spent at work if I had kids like these. Kids are like mean, whiny versions of real people. At least that's what this show makes them look like.

2. Supernanny makes these people parent like total pussies. Supernanny doesn't let these people give their kids a little hit or two when they get out of line, and that's bullshit. I was a mouthy little shit when I was a kid, and every now and then I got a good smack on the ass or the face and you know what? I shut the fuck up. I would look up, tears streaming down my face from throwing a temper tantrum, and see the angry face of my father staring down at me from eight feet up and I would think to myself, "Whoa, this guy could totally kick my ass. I'm going to be a much better child." I'm not saying that these parents should be shaking their babies to stop crying, but every now and then a little pain could really set you straight. Worst comes to worst, crush their favorite toy right in front of them. Nothing says, "I love you, but I'm really disappointed in you right now" like an eight-piece Polly Pocket set crushed to smithereens.

Wanna kill some time?

Follow Wiz Khalifa's Blog.

Seriously, that shit will keep you entertained for hours. Maybe you have to really like weed, but if you enjoy reading the random stream of consciousness of celebrities, then this should do the trick. I normally hate Twitter because nobody's important enough to update their lives to the world 24/7, but this guys just tickles my fancy, I guess. He also apparently has a $15,000-per-month weed habit, and I can respect anyone shelling out that much of their riches to that. The dude's funny looking as hell, but he churns out good songs like a motherfucker.

Jonathan, start kicking the crap out of other mascots like this guy!

Holy. Shit. Yes. This is absolutely that UConn needs more of. Mascots who are willing to serve other mascots a beatdown. And out mascot is a Husky, so we're completely capable of being a force to be reckoned with in the mascot world. I actually (sadly) spend a significant amount of time on YouTube looking at videos of the Oregon Duck because he's just so freaking funny. He gropes cheerleaders, he grabs his fleshy patch of duck-genitalia and gestures violently to the other team, he BREAKDANCES. Jonathan The Husky just swaggers around and claps his hand and takes pictures with little kids. Everytime I see that mascot I think about how much better of a job I could do. Give me 20 minutes in that costume and there will be at least three crying children, severe tears in the other mascot's uniform, and free t-shirts for long as I get to use the t-shirt gun.

Come on, UConn, we can do better.

What are the chances of getting caught for this?

Police have matched DNA taken from a 31-year-old man to semen found in a yogurt sample that was offered at an Albuquerque grocery store.

Albuquerque Police Department spokeswoman Trish Hoffman said Thursday an investigation is continuing but the man faces a potential charge for battery.

Hoffman says Food and Drug Administration authorities are also looking into the case and might pursue a federal felony charge for food tampering.

Police responded to the Sunflower Market in northwest Albuquerque on Jan. 26 after a woman called 911 and reported a store employee had given her what she was told was a yogurt sample. The woman told police she believed it was actually a bodily fluid.

Hoffman says the man was arrested on an unrelated warrant.

This girl deserves a senior detective position with the NYPD. I bet this lady was being a heinous bitch, and he thought the perfect way to fuck with this jackass woman would be to whack off in her yogurt. Seriously, if that were some vanilla or plain yogurt and he maybe mixed it around the little, he probably completely thought he'd get away with it. I mean, I would too. But this lady probably hadn't blown her husband in 15 years, so the second she got a little salty taste in her mouth, instead of thinking "Man, this yogurt is garbage," she thought "I know what this flavor is....time to call the authorities because I've got jizz in my mouth." I mean, yeah, nobody wants a mouthful of jizz when you're not expecting it, but the fact that she was able to pinpoint that flavor in a an entire container full of yogurt is pretty impressive.

Could this fucking douchebag just name a successor already and stop dicking us all around?

This Hosni Mubarak bullshit is starting to get seriously annoying. My profs are bitching at me constantly to keep up with the news and pick up a newspaper, but it's been like three weeks now and practically nothing has changed. All I see whenever I turn on any news station is a hundred million little dots of people holding signs in languages I can't read. How long do I have to watch a huge shot of a mob?

And not only that, but the dude just FINALLY stepped down...but, wait for it...he never named a successor! So now it's just Egyptians running around, just like they did before, all wanting their freedom and shit, but there's literally NO leader. Wow, thanks, you asshole. Now I have to watch mobs for eight more days until this mess of a country gets some sort of order.

Oh, and we'll all be watching this all again as each Middle Eastern country revolts one by one. Just sayin'.