Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Things in life that annoy me...therefore they shouldn't exist

1.) Duets
2.) KFC's Double Down Sandwich
3.) Advertisements that tell me eating Cheerio's "may help lower my cholesterol." That's like saying water will help lower my cholesterol.
4.) When Chris Matthews won't let his guests talk so he can repeatedly impress his opinion on whatever poor soul chooses to go on his show.
5.) Rompers
6.) Justin Bieber
7.) BBM..what the fuck is the point?
8.) Dancing With The Stars
9.) grunting men at the gym
10.) The Tea Party
11.) chewing with your mouth open
12.) pre-teens
13.) shows that have punctuation at the end of them, for example: "Bethenny Getting Married?" "So You Think You Can Dance?" and "Dance Your Ass Off!" we're not going speak the show as if we're confused by its name and we're definitely not going to shout it, so let's leave the unnecessary question marks and exclamation points out of it.
14.) People who go to the self-checkout line who CLEARLY can't figure out the scanner
15.) Eminem
16.) the Munchies

that's all i got for now, but that's just what I can think of on the spot which I can't decide whether is good or pretty sad. But seriously, duets are the WORST.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

One person in life who's bad news.

In college, you meet many types of people, and most of them are interesting and worth knowing in their own ways. There's the stoner, the friend who always stays in to study, the friend who you always get advice from, the friend who's drunk ass you'll probably end up taking care of at the end of the night, etc. etc. But there's one girl who you should always, ALWAYS be wary of. She seems harmless and lures you in with sweet talk, but she is a manipulative she-devil that will fuck you over at the soonest possible moment.

This is the girl with no other girl friends.

At first, she'll come across as a totally cool person and you're utterly baffled as to why no other girls have befriended her before you. She's usually very attractive by male standards, and she although she clearly knows this, she wears more casual clothes during the week except on the weekends where she reverts to total slut-mode to attract attention.

Regardless of what she's wearing, she'll suddenly confide in you one day. It'll be something along the lines of, "I really just don't have any girl friends. Girls cause such drama and I HATE that, so I really just only hang out with guys...I guess I just get along better with them."

When you hear this, run in the other direction. I'm not kidding. You should decode this seemingly harmless message as, "I am a total fucking bitch and I collect guys that fall in love with me like a 45-year old unmarried cashier at Wal-Mart collects action figures. I have no interest in your well-being and I want to be your friend so I can say I have a girl friend and I can stop getting dressed alone on Friday nights before parties. If you try to hook up with any one of the male specimens I keep on a leash at all times, I will immediately turn every last one of them against you. Not only that, but I'll use you to figure out what parties you're going to and never invite you to anything I'm doing, although I will invite every guy I know. So, lets be friends?"

"Oh, and by the way, I consider myself way hotter than other girls, so I assume nobody wants to be friends with me because they're insanely jealous of how pretty I am."

Seriously, do not feel bad for this girl. She has no girl friends because there have been many poor souls before you who have tried to put up with her, only to reach this exact same conclusion and delete her number out of their cell phone and refer to the period they befriended her as "that phase." Let me save you the time and make sure you never fall into her trap before you can get sucked in.

I say this because I have run into three girls like this in my life, and all three told the same, sorry story. All three times I felt bad and invited them out, did my best to get on their good side, and just generally tried to be a good person and make a new friend. All three time I got fucked over. I'm just sayin'.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Angelina Jolie's new movie sucks

Yes, I said it. I hated "Salt." Generally speaking, I really like salt, but this kind of tainted my opinion of the regular salt, and I kind of resent the fact that now, if I google the word "salt", Angelina Jolie's face pops up. As if she hasn't already saturated every facet of my life.

Anyway, this movie basically puts angelina in her typecast setting of femme fatale who kicks people's asses and even though she kind of looks like a skeleton running around with a head that's too big for her body, she overpowers men twice her size. Likely, Angie. Very likely.

So the basic premise of the movie is that some dude named Orlav gets captured by the C.I.A (..or something) and tells her that she's a Russian spy in front of all her C.I.A friends. what an asshole! So then she's all, "shit now i gotta bounce outta here" and now she's on the run. So the rest of the movie running around with different wigs on while the audience tries to figure out if she's really a russian spy or if she's actually trying to help America...because basically everyone's trying to kill both countries' presidents.

I think part of the problem here is I don't really like action movies to begin with. I also think Jolie's extreme self-confidence in her acting abilities and sense of badass-ness makes her come off like a total bitch. Basically I'm saying she knows how hot she is and that's annoying. The guy I went with didn't think so, though.

Anyway, the other thing that made this movie suck was that she does completely outlandish maneuvers that detract from the credibility of the movie. She jumps from a bridge onto a moving truck and lands on it perfectly, indicating Hollywood has never heard of a little thing called momentum. Basic physics usually says that you're going to keep heading in the direction you're heading if you're falling, so technically, Jolie should've just rolled right off the truck. She also jumps from one truck to another. I don't know if anyone has ever thrown something out of their car window, but it usually immeidately loses it's speed and stays far behind the car...something Jolie doesn't do in the movie.

Secondly, at one point she's in an elevator shaft and decides she's going to spiderman her way down the entire thing, which she does by literally leaping like a flying squirrel from ledge to ledge. I guess you have to see it, but as soon as you do, you automaticall will say, "no fucking way can that happen."

Thirdly, she overpowers absolutely EVERYONE she comes in contact with. At one point, she's being held tightly by two secret service agents, and she almost effortlessly leaps out of their grasp to choke some other unfortunate dude. It's like everyone around here shares the same retardation so that jolie can easily mentally surpass them, so every time she's around these complete buffoons, she completely mind-ninjas them so, when the least expect it, she bolts in another direction.

Anyway, if I had to rate this movie (and I don't, but I will), i'd give it 2 stars for sheer ludicrousness. This is basically Mr. and Mrs. Smith without Brad Pitt, and he was a major selling point. I'm also just really sick of seeing Jolie play the same stupid fucking role.

Yeah, I didn't like the movie.