Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
SARASOTA, Fla., Feb. 15 (UPI) -- Authorities in Florida said a homeless man sent to jail Friday was found to be concealing 30 items in a condom hidden in his rectum.
The Sarasota County Sheriff's Office said Neil Lansing, 33, had been jailed following a Friday court appearance on undisclosed charges when corrections deputies performing a routine cell block search noticed a piece of condom sticking out of Lansing's rectum, the Sarasota Herald-Tribune reported Tuesday.
Officials said they removed the condom and it was found to contain 17 blue pills, a cigarette, six matches, one flint, an empty syringe with an eraser covering the needle, a lip balm container, an unused condom, a pharmacy receipt and a coupon.
The sheriff's office said Lansing, who is being held without bond, is facing charges of possessing a drug and a tobacco product in jail.
This is the only thing I was wondering after I finished reading this article: why the fuck did he bother to stick the receipt up there too? I can't imagine that he was intending to return anything that he'd put up his butt, but I guess financially that's a smart decision. He may be that most forward-thinking person to over shove multiple items up his butt. But really dude, a single cigarette? why not just go for the whole pack? Not only that, but do you really want to put something that's been chillin' in your asshole for God knows how long in your mouth? I know it's your own personal butt juices and all but still, not hygienic in any sense. Also not sure why he decided to stick the condom up there, because if he was planning to bone some dude in jail i'm pretty sure gay sex is a good way to not get anyone pregnant. But on the other side, why did he bother to stick that up there anyway? It's not like condoms are illegal. Moral of the story is this guy is a total conundrum to me...really thinking on his feet with some of the things he shoved up his bumhole and then just totally missing the mark on others.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
There is something not quite definable in your face — something lovely, not pretty in a conventionally thought of way. You have something graceful and tender and feminine (sp). You seem to be a woman who has been loved in her childhood, or else, somehow by the mystery of genetic phenomena you have been visited by the gifts of refinement, dignity and poise. Perhaps you cannot be accredited with all that.
Irrespective of your gothic aspects, you have passed something on in terms of your expression, mien and general comportment that is unusual and rewarding.
It's been a pleasant if brief encounter and I wish you well and I hope we shall have occasion to cross eyes again sometime.
Rule #4 of broadcasting: never speak your own weirdo language on camera. Darison? Burtation? Close to actual words, Serene, but no cigar. The funniest part of this is that they're actually trying to claim that this lady had a stroke on camera. I have news for them, however: sometimes you just want to speak some gibberish. Truly, this is a broadcaster's nightmare and as a budding journalist over here, I sincerely pray that NOTHING this randomly awful happens to me.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Congratulations, MTV. You have developed the absolute most heinous show I've ever sat through. I can watch some serious shitty television...but I can't even sit through this garbage. The show follows some handful of teenagers around while they blow anything they can shoot up their nose, fuck each other's bony bodies, and then talk about how much they are/aren't getting laid. The main heartthrob of this series is some little boy who looks like he walked out of an Abercrombie Kids catalogue and into this show. The acting is so god damn awful that the expressionless dialogue isn't even remotely believable. Everyone is so abhorring and unlikable that I was punching myself in the face by the end of the episode.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
So, i'm obviously late in the game on this one, but I just was directed to watch "2 Guys 1 Horse" a.k.a Mr. Hands gettin' on with his bad self and letting a horse put its foot and a half long winkie in his bum-bum hole. Let me say this to the lucky few who have yet to see/hear of this video: For the love of everything that is pure in the world, do NOT watch this video. I was okay with watching this man's bare ass sticking out in the air. I was okay with watching the other man grab the horse's wiener and direct it toward this man's butt-hole. I was even okay with the fact that I completely realized this man was letting a horse bone him (Well, I wasn't okay with any of this, but I knew what I was getting myself into so it didn't completely disturb me on the level it could have). What I DEFINITELY WAS NOT OKAY WITH was the horrible, gruesome site of that horse's wang when it emerged from that man's derriere. Holy Jesus, I swear to God I will never be the same. There really are some things you can't unsee, and that website is doing the world a favor by limiting the viewing on one computer to once every hour (...yes, i attempted to play it more than once on my computer to show it to a friend so somebody could suffer with me).
I don't care if she peed behind a bar then watered it down. I don't care that she's fucking the equivelant of an overly-groomed motorcycle gang reject that probably smells like ballsac doused in Axe. I don't even care that she walks like she has a footlong dick. When I saw JWoww wearing her leather Dominatrix shit and lookin all like a crazy cop gone totally psycho, and THEN whispering "Can you handcuff me?" as she led Roger up the stairs, I fell in love. This season has been nothing but watching Ronnie and Sammi engage in their completely dysfunctional, sorry excuse for a relationship, but this gem came out of nowhere and I'm so, so glad it did. The girl's fake boobies looked magical and Snooki and I were both looking at her in total jealousy. Sammi's attractive, but DAYUMMM, JWoww is just balls to the wall hot. I'd suffer through a day watching my guy friends play Call of Duty to have that bod for 3 hours.
And this is why I love this country. Because if you really, really want to, you can roll around all over the place, high on PCP, confused as fuck, and all people will do is film you and shake their heads. I'll be completely honest, too...this guy knows how to move. Kickin' his legs, slappin' his belly like a bongo drum, just loving the fact that he's got an extra 300 pounds to play with while he's tripping face. I mean if there was ever the perfect time to be fat, this is it. And to Coup de Gras, we get to see about 3/4 of his jiggly chocolate behind, which in PCP land is like 2 steps away from straight up boning. Fuck traffic, fuck pedestrians, fuck the guy filming this entire baffling scene, he's gonna shake it like a polaroid picture and we're gonna recognize that this is why America is the greatest country in the world.
Friday, February 11, 2011
"Washington (CNN) -- Just picture the Donald Trump for President bumper sticker: "Barack Obama, You're Fired."
I'm may be the only person on the fence about dogs, and this is why. Every time I've ever owned a dog, I get the one that turns out to be completely untrainable, shits and pisses in the house, and never learns its own name. I spent the first three years of my dog's life trying to teach it to roll over. It NEVER learned how to do it. Whenever I get a treat out, my dog loses it's mind and reverts to the only method it knows to get that treat out of my hand: perform all the tricks she knows in the rapid-fire succession, concluding with a grand finale of laying on the ground, exhausted and out of breath. We now refer to that last one as "playing dead" and it's officially a trick. Basically, I need an animal that will just sit still for three hours while I lose all sense of reality on Stumbleupon.com.
Maybe these people are horrible parents who should have never squeezed out spawn, but watching this show makes my hair curl for two reasons.
Holy. Shit. Yes. This is absolutely that UConn needs more of. Mascots who are willing to serve other mascots a beatdown. And out mascot is a Husky, so we're completely capable of being a force to be reckoned with in the mascot world. I actually (sadly) spend a significant amount of time on YouTube looking at videos of the Oregon Duck because he's just so freaking funny. He gropes cheerleaders, he grabs his fleshy patch of duck-genitalia and gestures violently to the other team, he BREAKDANCES. Jonathan The Husky just swaggers around and claps his hand and takes pictures with little kids. Everytime I see that mascot I think about how much better of a job I could do. Give me 20 minutes in that costume and there will be at least three crying children, severe tears in the other mascot's uniform, and free t-shirts for all...as long as I get to use the t-shirt gun.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Um, honestly, I'm not that impressed. 20 quarters is like five bucks, and that's not enough to even get me anything good at Friendly's. If you can't buy us two Honey BBQ Melts at that place, then I don't want to have anything to do with you. You better get figure out how to get about 30 more quarters in there before we go anywhere together.