Friday, July 23, 2010

Calorie-Free Powder is not suited for strenuous exercise

I'll be the first to admit that I enjoy a completely synthetically engineered glass of a sugary drink. Powdered lemonade, powdered fruit punch, powdered semi-orange-juice-like-but-not-really powder...all delicious. But i mostly use these powders to drink more water, because, really, forcing myself to drink water when I am not thirsty or eating is kind of hard for me.

To save a mere 30 cents or so, I bought the generic version of Crystal Light Fruit Punch Drink Mix, shown here:'s like my childhood condensed into a teeny packet of sugar-flavored methdust!

I like this stuff. It compels me to drink large quantities of it while unseemingly consuming large quanitites of water. Yes, I'm also consuming large quantities of aspartame and/or Splenda (i've never even looked to see what the artificial sweetener is), but that's irrelevent and beside the point.

Anyway, As i finally took the time to glance at something more on the box besides the name, I stumbled upon these interesting little tidbits the marketic execs at Great Value Headquarters decided to stick on there:

Well, that's nice of them, in case I was thoroughly confused about how I wanted to drink my faux fruit punch. But seriously, let's analyze their suggestions.

1.) A picnic in the park. I can totally swing with this. Good idea, marketing people! This fruity drink is refreshing and totally easy to dump into a pitcher of water for you and someone else who hasn't had real fruit punch since they were eleven. The other party would probably be happy to know of your health-conscious decision, assuming you let them know they're not actually drinking real fruit punch. If you don't, you're a real ass.

2.) Your kid's soccer game. Okay, so picture this: your recreational soccer team, The Bumblebees, just had a hard loss against The Thunderbolts, and you're totally bummed. Actually, you really got your asses was like 0-7 and the other team was just passing the ball around at one point, maybe even kicking it to you guys and then falling into fits of convulsions so somebody on your team could dribble down the field and find their way into the goal. Anyway, you guys lost badly. But wait! There's light at the end of this tunnel, and that's the treats the moms bring at the end of the games. Usually it's something like Gatorade and packets of Gushers, so you'll be replacing your deep-seeded depression over defeat with a sugar-high that'll have you hanging from the chandelier when you get home. Wait, what the fuck is this stuff? Mom, why are you dumping that disgusting red powder into that jug of water? Can't we all just have Powerade? Why are you handing this shit out in little dixie cups? Basically, as a mom, if you're that calorie-conscious that you impose your shitty drink that you've accepted as delicious because you're an adult onto not only your child, but his/her entire soccer team, you fail as a parent. Give them what they want, lady. Hawaiian punch. In separate cans. They've got a few years left to drink that crap before it goes straight to their asses.

3.) An energetic hike up the mountains. This one is a serious "WTF?" You spend an eight hour trek huffing and puffing up a significant incline with your significant other, and you decide to take a break for some food. I'm not a nutritionist or anything, but I've heard something along the lines that calories give you energy. So, honey, did you bring us anything nourishing? Well, no. I thought that after all this intense cardio-work we could have a nice pitcher of CALORIE FREE FLAVORED WATER!! Fuck sandwiches, fuck trail mix, we're going to lose 5 pounds today whether it kills us. We're not even going to drink refreshing, regular water. We're going to dump artificial sweeteners into it until sweet powder comes out of our eyes and bleeds from our toes. Now keep hiking, you fairy-boyfriend.

I guess I thought a little too much about this, but the entire concept was so laughable I had to devote an entire post to it. Some things just leave an impression on you.

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