Sunday, August 8, 2010

One person in life who's bad news.

In college, you meet many types of people, and most of them are interesting and worth knowing in their own ways. There's the stoner, the friend who always stays in to study, the friend who you always get advice from, the friend who's drunk ass you'll probably end up taking care of at the end of the night, etc. etc. But there's one girl who you should always, ALWAYS be wary of. She seems harmless and lures you in with sweet talk, but she is a manipulative she-devil that will fuck you over at the soonest possible moment.

This is the girl with no other girl friends.

At first, she'll come across as a totally cool person and you're utterly baffled as to why no other girls have befriended her before you. She's usually very attractive by male standards, and she although she clearly knows this, she wears more casual clothes during the week except on the weekends where she reverts to total slut-mode to attract attention.

Regardless of what she's wearing, she'll suddenly confide in you one day. It'll be something along the lines of, "I really just don't have any girl friends. Girls cause such drama and I HATE that, so I really just only hang out with guys...I guess I just get along better with them."

When you hear this, run in the other direction. I'm not kidding. You should decode this seemingly harmless message as, "I am a total fucking bitch and I collect guys that fall in love with me like a 45-year old unmarried cashier at Wal-Mart collects action figures. I have no interest in your well-being and I want to be your friend so I can say I have a girl friend and I can stop getting dressed alone on Friday nights before parties. If you try to hook up with any one of the male specimens I keep on a leash at all times, I will immediately turn every last one of them against you. Not only that, but I'll use you to figure out what parties you're going to and never invite you to anything I'm doing, although I will invite every guy I know. So, lets be friends?"

"Oh, and by the way, I consider myself way hotter than other girls, so I assume nobody wants to be friends with me because they're insanely jealous of how pretty I am."

Seriously, do not feel bad for this girl. She has no girl friends because there have been many poor souls before you who have tried to put up with her, only to reach this exact same conclusion and delete her number out of their cell phone and refer to the period they befriended her as "that phase." Let me save you the time and make sure you never fall into her trap before you can get sucked in.

I say this because I have run into three girls like this in my life, and all three told the same, sorry story. All three times I felt bad and invited them out, did my best to get on their good side, and just generally tried to be a good person and make a new friend. All three time I got fucked over. I'm just sayin'.

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