Friday, August 6, 2010

Angelina Jolie's new movie sucks

Yes, I said it. I hated "Salt." Generally speaking, I really like salt, but this kind of tainted my opinion of the regular salt, and I kind of resent the fact that now, if I google the word "salt", Angelina Jolie's face pops up. As if she hasn't already saturated every facet of my life.

Anyway, this movie basically puts angelina in her typecast setting of femme fatale who kicks people's asses and even though she kind of looks like a skeleton running around with a head that's too big for her body, she overpowers men twice her size. Likely, Angie. Very likely.

So the basic premise of the movie is that some dude named Orlav gets captured by the C.I.A (..or something) and tells her that she's a Russian spy in front of all her C.I.A friends. what an asshole! So then she's all, "shit now i gotta bounce outta here" and now she's on the run. So the rest of the movie running around with different wigs on while the audience tries to figure out if she's really a russian spy or if she's actually trying to help America...because basically everyone's trying to kill both countries' presidents.

I think part of the problem here is I don't really like action movies to begin with. I also think Jolie's extreme self-confidence in her acting abilities and sense of badass-ness makes her come off like a total bitch. Basically I'm saying she knows how hot she is and that's annoying. The guy I went with didn't think so, though.

Anyway, the other thing that made this movie suck was that she does completely outlandish maneuvers that detract from the credibility of the movie. She jumps from a bridge onto a moving truck and lands on it perfectly, indicating Hollywood has never heard of a little thing called momentum. Basic physics usually says that you're going to keep heading in the direction you're heading if you're falling, so technically, Jolie should've just rolled right off the truck. She also jumps from one truck to another. I don't know if anyone has ever thrown something out of their car window, but it usually immeidately loses it's speed and stays far behind the car...something Jolie doesn't do in the movie.

Secondly, at one point she's in an elevator shaft and decides she's going to spiderman her way down the entire thing, which she does by literally leaping like a flying squirrel from ledge to ledge. I guess you have to see it, but as soon as you do, you automaticall will say, "no fucking way can that happen."

Thirdly, she overpowers absolutely EVERYONE she comes in contact with. At one point, she's being held tightly by two secret service agents, and she almost effortlessly leaps out of their grasp to choke some other unfortunate dude. It's like everyone around here shares the same retardation so that jolie can easily mentally surpass them, so every time she's around these complete buffoons, she completely mind-ninjas them so, when the least expect it, she bolts in another direction.

Anyway, if I had to rate this movie (and I don't, but I will), i'd give it 2 stars for sheer ludicrousness. This is basically Mr. and Mrs. Smith without Brad Pitt, and he was a major selling point. I'm also just really sick of seeing Jolie play the same stupid fucking role.

Yeah, I didn't like the movie.

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