seeing me

I have this pair of jeans. They are a size 24 Anoname faded and distressed denim. I bought them when I was 98 pounds.

I will be the first to admit that now, several--to put it milldly--pounds heavier, these jeans do not fit anymore. If I suck in with all my might and don't mind that my newer and curvier body doesn't want to be in these teeny, tiny jeans, then I can wear them. I don't mind anymore that they don't fit.

I think what scares me is knowing my new size. I have yet to buy any jeans, although I did buy a pair of hollister shorts that actually fit. That aren't tight and a product of me being unwilling to accept who i am now. They fit, and that's good. But the process of searching for jeans, knowing that size has crept up, overwhelms me. it makes me sad, it makes me angry, it makes me wish I was back at 98 pounds. Everything fit, I didn't scrutinize myself endlessly in the mirror, my now-huge chest was deflated to a manaegeable size that was proportionate to my teeny, tiny body.

Seeing myself in pictures, in the mirror, in windows, I want to cry and I want to laugh and I want to accept that I am a new, healthy, happy me. I run 9 miles without a problem. I still overexercise. I stuff my face at times, and the rest of the times I consciously stop eating when I'm full. I haven't binged the way I used to in months, although I drunk eat and high-eat, and I'm acting like I've always wanted to be, and I'm caught between being happy to be happy and being happy because I'm the smallest person in the room. I drank like a sailor this spring weekend because I wanted to, and I didn't nurse my drink because I was scared of the calories. I acted like a college student, and that is a good thing. I can't have it both ways, I guess.

That is what I have to say. It feels good to externalize it for once.

mmmmm, spring.

Sorry it's been awhile, the last few weeks have been...hell, to put it mildly.

I had three exams last week, falling on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Basically, I had been studying since last Tuesday about (yeah, I get going early when it comes to studying) and my life had ceased to exist.

Enter study aide. As a blog that shares my experiences, I feel compelled to tell about my life in the most undiluted fashion possible, so I'm not going to filter myself. To study last week I tried Adderall. I took half a capsule one day at about 10:30 in the morning, and it DEFINITELY got me going...for a while. I ended up losing all motivation before I even wanted to study, so I decided the next day I'd take a little later. Big, big, HEINOUSLY HUGE mistake.

I stayed up until 7 in the morning. Laying in bed. Staring up at the bed above me. It was horrible. Strangely, however, after only about two hours of sleep I wasn't actually very tired, which worried me.

This brings us to Thursday. The week was already shitty; it was rainy and miserable, and I had been studying straight through it all. Nothing was good about the week. However, on Thursday it was like God put a halt on everything terrible and the clouds parted and it was b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l. After peeing my pants during class because I wanted to get out so badly, I literally booked it back to my dorm and into my running clothes. Not only was it freaking gorgeous out, but I hadn't run in about two weeks. I had only been going to the gym and using the Squirrelliptical (as Kath from http://www.katheats.com likes to call it). I was doing intervals of 2 minute rest and 1 minute intensity and was really liking it, so I stuck to it. By Thursday however, I was ready to run again.

And man, I ran. I covered ten glorious miles and loved (pretty much) every second of it.

The next day I ran another 4.5.

The next day was the TKE 5K for Autism Speaks. I had no intentions to run this, but I was up so I decided to head over. Everyone knows I run a lot nowadays, and so I was thinking I'd be pretty embarrassed if I ended up doing terrible on the run. However, to my surprise I ran it in 23:48 and took 4th for the girls! I actually thought I got 3rd place, but a sneaky little runner girl was way ahead of the two girls I saw in front of me, so i just missed the prizes. Oh well.

So now I just got back from another 8.25 miles and nobody is on campus because it's Easter Weekend. I didn't go home. Last time I went home I ended up just being super bored and fighting with my Dad a lot, so I decided to not go through the hassle. It's better this way.

Happy Easter Everyone!