What are the chances of getting caught for this?

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Police have matched DNA taken from a 31-year-old man to semen found in a yogurt sample that was offered at an Albuquerque grocery store.

Albuquerque Police Department spokeswoman Trish Hoffman said Thursday an investigation is continuing but the man faces a potential charge for battery.

Hoffman says Food and Drug Administration authorities are also looking into the case and might pursue a federal felony charge for food tampering.

Police responded to the Sunflower Market in northwest Albuquerque on Jan. 26 after a woman called 911 and reported a store employee had given her what she was told was a yogurt sample. The woman told police she believed it was actually a bodily fluid.

Hoffman says the man was arrested on an unrelated warrant.

This girl deserves a senior detective position with the NYPD. I bet this lady was being a heinous bitch, and he thought the perfect way to fuck with this jackass woman would be to whack off in her yogurt. Seriously, if that were some vanilla or plain yogurt and he maybe mixed it around the little, he probably completely thought he'd get away with it. I mean, I would too. But this lady probably hadn't blown her husband in 15 years, so the second she got a little salty taste in her mouth, instead of thinking "Man, this yogurt is garbage," she thought "I know what this flavor is....time to call the authorities because I've got jizz in my mouth." I mean, yeah, nobody wants a mouthful of jizz when you're not expecting it, but the fact that she was able to pinpoint that flavor in a an entire container full of yogurt is pretty impressive.

Could this fucking douchebag just name a successor already and stop dicking us all around?

This Hosni Mubarak bullshit is starting to get seriously annoying. My profs are bitching at me constantly to keep up with the news and pick up a newspaper, but it's been like three weeks now and practically nothing has changed. All I see whenever I turn on any news station is a hundred million little dots of people holding signs in languages I can't read. How long do I have to watch a huge shot of a mob?

And not only that, but the dude just FINALLY stepped down...but, wait for it...he never named a successor! So now it's just Egyptians running around, just like they did before, all wanting their freedom and shit, but there's literally NO leader. Wow, thanks, you asshole. Now I have to watch mobs for eight more days until this mess of a country gets some sort of order.

Oh, and we'll all be watching this all again as each Middle Eastern country revolts one by one. Just sayin'.

20 Quarters smooshed inside of your bellybutton?

Um, honestly, I'm not that impressed. 20 quarters is like five bucks, and that's not enough to even get me anything good at Friendly's. If you can't buy us two Honey BBQ Melts at that place, then I don't want to have anything to do with you. You better get figure out how to get about 30 more quarters in there before we go anywhere together.

Peekaboo!

Think you're getting a picture of some lameass penguins? Think again, biatch!!!

Insanity Fail

Guess it's not for everyone.

Sooo this guy is a beast.

I guess there will always be a market for this guy to play a crazy fuck. Literally the only two times I've seen him he's been grunting and hitting things aimlessly and running around with no real direction and just trying to kill someone until they are super dead. He also gets outwitted every time by a smaller dude and then the jokes on him and he's the one who's toast, so sucks to be him in movies because his role lasts 10-15 minutes before he's all running off a cliff or waddling into impending doom. But not to worry, one day another script will call for a burly, 6'7 man to grunt and hit things with a club/general large object and he will be put to work once again!

Shit's real, people.