I'm back at school and that is nice

I've made my way back to UConn and things are just wonderful. I'm living in a sick apartment with my two best friends, and I am pretty much happy with the way everything is going.

However, today.... we started a little workout video called Insanity.

Now, this is no regular work out video. This is the mecca of workout videos; the mind-altering, body-morphing, cry-your-way-through-squats workout video that will have you gargling your intestines by the end. This shit makes Jillian Michaels' "No More Trouble Zones" look like a day at the kiddie pool.

If you need a visual, here it is

We started today with the highest of enthusiams. We were going to conquer this demon and make something of ourselves. We will look hot for Halloween, flaunting our six-packs and toned arms, parading around like a trio of fitness gurus with only two weeks left on October 31.

So we started the Fit Test. The warm-up was pretty straightforward and I was feeling pretty good. Jumping jacks, Heisman's, nothing too insane. Even some light stretching was involved. Is this all it takes to get in shape? why didn't I know this before?

Oh, how naive I was. We got into the fit test, where you complete each move for a minute before taking a break and moving on. It was only FIFTEEN MINUTES....and I nearly died. There were minute breaks, and I was on the verge of choking. This was the most intense, mind-blowing, heart-pounding workout I have ever done. and it was only fifteen fucking minutes.

I have no idea how I'm going to continue on to day 2, which is plyometrics and is an out of control 45 minutes long with ZERO breaks. In fact, the incredibly athletic-looking people in the video can't even do the damn workout...it's that hard. People are just walkin' off to get water and stopping and falling on the floor throughout the whole thing. And these people devote their lives to fitness.

I stil am excited to keep doing this, but I must say that I'm nervous for tomorrow. This shit better turn my body into Rihanna's.

Things in life that annoy me...therefore they shouldn't exist

1.) Duets

2.) KFC's Double Down Sandwich

3.) Advertisements that tell me eating Cheerio's "may help lower my cholesterol." That's like saying water will help lower my cholesterol.

4.) When Chris Matthews won't let his guests talk so he can repeatedly impress his opinion on whatever poor soul chooses to go on his show.

5.) Rompers

6.) Justin Bieber

7.) BBM..what the fuck is the point?

8.) Dancing With The Stars

9.) grunting men at the gym

10.) The Tea Party

11.) chewing with your mouth open

12.) pre-teens

13.) shows that have punctuation at the end of them, for example: "Bethenny Getting Married?" "So You Think You Can Dance?" and "Dance Your Ass Off!" we're not going speak the show as if we're confused by its name and we're definitely not going to shout it, so let's leave the unnecessary question marks and exclamation points out of it.

14.) People who go to the self-checkout line who CLEARLY can't figure out the scanner

15.) Eminem

16.) the Munchies

that's all i got for now, but that's just what I can think of on the spot which I can't decide whether is good or pretty sad. But seriously, duets are the WORST.

One person in life who's bad news.

In college, you meet many types of people, and most of them are interesting and worth knowing in their own ways. There's the stoner, the friend who always stays in to study, the friend who you always get advice from, the friend who's drunk ass you'll probably end up taking care of at the end of the night, etc. etc. But there's one girl who you should always, ALWAYS be wary of. She seems harmless and lures you in with sweet talk, but she is a manipulative she-devil that will fuck you over at the soonest possible moment.

This is the girl with no other girl friends.

At first, she'll come across as a totally cool person and you're utterly baffled as to why no other girls have befriended her before you. She's usually very attractive by male standards, and she although she clearly knows this, she wears more casual clothes during the week except on the weekends where she reverts to total slut-mode to attract attention.


Regardless of what she's wearing, she'll suddenly confide in you one day. It'll be something along the lines of, "I really just don't have any girl friends. Girls cause such drama and I HATE that, so I really just only hang out with guys...I guess I just get along better with them."

When you hear this, run in the other direction. I'm not kidding. You should decode this seemingly harmless message as, "I am a total fucking bitch and I collect guys that fall in love with me like a 45-year old unmarried cashier at Wal-Mart collects action figures. I have no interest in your well-being and I want to be your friend so I can say I have a girl friend and I can stop getting dressed alone on Friday nights before parties. If you try to hook up with any one of the male specimens I keep on a leash at all times, I will immediately turn every last one of them against you. Not only that, but I'll use you to figure out what parties you're going to and never invite you to anything I'm doing, although I will invite every guy I know. So, lets be friends?"

"Oh, and by the way, I consider myself way hotter than other girls, so I assume nobody wants to be friends with me because they're insanely jealous of how pretty I am."

Seriously, do not feel bad for this girl. She has no girl friends because there have been many poor souls before you who have tried to put up with her, only to reach this exact same conclusion and delete her number out of their cell phone and refer to the period they befriended her as "that phase." Let me save you the time and make sure you never fall into her trap before you can get sucked in.

I say this because I have run into three girls like this in my life, and all three told the same, sorry story. All three times I felt bad and invited them out, did my best to get on their good side, and just generally tried to be a good person and make a new friend. All three time I got fucked over. I'm just sayin'.

Angelina Jolie's new movie sucks

Yes, I said it. I hated "Salt." Generally speaking, I really like salt, but this kind of tainted my opinion of the regular salt, and I kind of resent the fact that now, if I google the word "salt", Angelina Jolie's face pops up. As if she hasn't already saturated every facet of my life.

Anyway, this movie basically puts angelina in her typecast setting of femme fatale who kicks people's asses and even though she kind of looks like a skeleton running around with a head that's too big for her body, she overpowers men twice her size. Likely, Angie. Very likely.

So the basic premise of the movie is that some dude named Orlav gets captured by the C.I.A (..or something) and tells her that she's a Russian spy in front of all her C.I.A friends. what an asshole! So then she's all, "shit now i gotta bounce outta here" and now she's on the run. So the rest of the movie running around with different wigs on while the audience tries to figure out if she's really a russian spy or if she's actually trying to help America...because basically everyone's trying to kill both countries' presidents.

I think part of the problem here is I don't really like action movies to begin with. I also think Jolie's extreme self-confidence in her acting abilities and sense of badass-ness makes her come off like a total bitch. Basically I'm saying she knows how hot she is and that's annoying. The guy I went with didn't think so, though.

Anyway, the other thing that made this movie suck was that she does completely outlandish maneuvers that detract from the credibility of the movie. She jumps from a bridge onto a moving truck and lands on it perfectly, indicating Hollywood has never heard of a little thing called momentum. Basic physics usually says that you're going to keep heading in the direction you're heading if you're falling, so technically, Jolie should've just rolled right off the truck. She also jumps from one truck to another. I don't know if anyone has ever thrown something out of their car window, but it usually immeidately loses it's speed and stays far behind the car...something Jolie doesn't do in the movie.

Secondly, at one point she's in an elevator shaft and decides she's going to spiderman her way down the entire thing, which she does by literally leaping like a flying squirrel from ledge to ledge. I guess you have to see it, but as soon as you do, you automaticall will say, "no fucking way can that happen."

Thirdly, she overpowers absolutely EVERYONE she comes in contact with. At one point, she's being held tightly by two secret service agents, and she almost effortlessly leaps out of their grasp to choke some other unfortunate dude. It's like everyone around here shares the same retardation so that jolie can easily mentally surpass them, so every time she's around these complete buffoons, she completely mind-ninjas them so, when the least expect it, she bolts in another direction.

Anyway, if I had to rate this movie (and I don't, but I will), i'd give it 2 stars for sheer ludicrousness. This is basically Mr. and Mrs. Smith without Brad Pitt, and he was a major selling point. I'm also just really sick of seeing Jolie play the same stupid fucking role.

Yeah, I didn't like the movie.

Sometimes, things are just awkward.

Unless I grew up calling an adult by their first name, I don't think I'm alone in thinking that I prefer to call most adults by their last name, (a.k.a Mrs. Brown). Yes, they may feel like old farts, but you know what? Most of them are. I get that you're trying to be nice being on a first-name basis with me, but I'm nowere close to your age and you're my superior, so just do me a favor and let me call you by a proper title.



Meanwhile, Dusty came home today. He looks better, but he's on all sorts of kitty painkillers so he's mostly wandering around in a daze. Sometimes he eats, sometimes he falls asleep while sitting up, and sometimes he growls at the wall. Yup, he's high as a kite!




Those yellow tubes are keeping his wounds from getting infected, or something along those lines. I get to hold him down while my mom squirts water in them to flush them out. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.



Now that he's home, mom thinks every move his makes deserves commentary and/or celebration. Every five minutes i get to hear things like "Dusty's eating! LOOK BECKY, DUSTY'S EATING!!!!!!!!!!" and, "DUSTY HAD A LITTLE POOPIE!" He also gets unlimited Fancy Feast, so maybe things aren't so bad for him.


Sadly, not much else happened today.

Yesterday I Met The Asshole

Sometimes, people stumble into your life who you think will be interesting and compelling people, and you really WANT to like them, but they just end up being total douchebags. I met this person yesterday. He was, as I may deem, "The Typical Asshole."


The TA (Typical Asshole) came into my life as I stumbled my way out of my friend's apartment in my hungover stupor. Clutching a solo cup of tin-like tap water, I went to find my friend who I assumed would be on the deck smoking a cigarette. He was indeed, and half a set of steps down peering up at him was the TA. My friend gave me a relieved look, as though someone else would be able to keep this person occupied while my friend snuck out of the conversation and back into the house. I was in no mood to indulge this douchebag, so I was happy to oblige by perpetually picking fights.


Here is an amateur sketch of the TA in all his glory.

Basically, this guy thought he was a Jim Morrison reincarnate and made it a point to prove how in-touch with nature and out-of-touch with evil technology he was. At one point, I answered my cell and he goes "Man, I wish I was more in touch with technology." To which I said, "I picked up my fucking cell phone. That's not exactly groundbreaking."

Eventually, the cell phone anomaly turned into this sort of conversation:
Me: So, how do you remember all your phone numbers?
TA: I don't. I only carry my phone, like, once a week. It's my little sister's and has a picture of Johnny Depp as the background.
Me: That's gay. So, do you have a notebook for phone numbers or something?
TA: No. If I need to, I'll write numbers in the margins of Kerouac novels or something.
Me: Wow, how deep and pensive. Just kidding, it's gay.


What is the point of writing numbers in Kerouac novels? It's like this guy was desperate to insert the fact he reads Jack Kerouac somewhere into the conversation and this seemed the most appropriate.


Inevitably, the conversation turned to weed. He used this time to interject how he used to smoke so much weed it eventually gave him a euphoric feeling, and he understands now why Jim Morrison wrote "Riders on the Storm." Not only did my friends and I not know the lyrics to understand what he meant by the ridiculous statement, but we didn't care, and he knew we didn't know or care as well. It was like we all knew we were never going to be on the same page, yet he kept offering up these random tidbits like the two of us were eventually going to get wide-eyed in admiration and express how advanced he is for a youth.


By this point, my friend and I were bleeding from the ears and were about ready to start punching each other in the face to do the other the justice of being rendered unconscious so we wouldn't have to listen to this idiot talk anymore.


I sincerely hope this TA doesn't plague the apartments the entire year, which is where I'm living. I also hope this is a lesson to not try to prove how indie and deep you are at 10 a.m. after a long night of drinking. I'm not up to indulge you in such speak, so stick to things that we know...like when we want to go to Dunkin' Donuts.

My dog is overweight.

My family has a long history of overfeeding its animals. It's not that we're bad pet-owners, in fact, it's the opposite. We're too nice to our pets, so whenever they give us sad kitty or sad puppy eyes, we take this as an opportuinity to valiantly win their affection back. We do this by feeding them until they can only slosh around on the floor like amoebas.

While it's pretty damn cute when we had a cat double it's normal weight (Rest in peace, little Fluffy), an obese dog that thinks she is a cat is not as great. Particuarly during thunderstorms, when she absolutely flips out and climbs onto anyone close to her...and since i'm home and jobless all the time now, that person is usually me.


I love my dog, i do, but she has a serious weight problem. We thought at first maybe she was just husky and it was all fur, but then she got shaved and she is really just a fat dog. She doesn't seem to mind though, so I guess I'll just go feed her now.